Brent Riggs - Dealing With Bad Family

A reader asked about this situation: In my extended family, there is an immature and angry person. Actually, this person is not only hateful and argumentative, he has told blatant and dangerous lies about my family. Specifically, he claims that my husband did something inappropriate. No one in the family believes him, but I'm wondering how I should handle this, especially with the holidays coming. We have family events planned, but I don't want to be around him, nor do I want my family around him. Is that unchristian? Do you have any advice?

You have every right to decide who can be around your family in a private situation/event in your "domain" (i.e, your house, your events, etc).

However, you should not force your personal convictions about another family on OTHER family members outside your home. You have the ability to choose not to attend something at their house or any other house where the person might be present, but you should not tell other people who they can or cannot invite.

In addition, you should not feel the need to inform the rest of the family why you have declined an invitation unless they specifically ask. Then, you should explain in a non-gossipy, uncritical manner what the situation is. �We are not going to attend due to the situation between us and (the other family member).�

Given the seriousness of the accusation against your husband, if you attend the family functions, make sure that no one in your family is ALONE with that person. Don't assign TOO MUCH credibility to the accusations... without any evidence or the collaboration of witnesses, it's just talk. Hurtful, but just talk.

As far as your attitude goes, it would only be unchristian if you were to withhold forgiveness. Otherwise, do what you are able to do for the sake of peace, keeping things from escalating, BUT always protecting your family.

Your marriage and kids come first as a Christian.

Go ahead and attend the holiday events. In these settings, act as if everything is fine. If this family member attempts to reconcile, by all means reciprocate. However, you must be careful and discerning as people often use reconciliation as a ploy to stir things up again.

Resist the urge to talk to other family members about the family member in question. There is no benefit to having everyone on �your side� or spreading the �news� of the bad behavior under the guise of seeming �concerned�. That is just gossip.

Ultra-immature and childish members of the extended family can be quite maddening, but they don't have to have power over you. YOU dictate the interaction with your family on YOUR turf, but you can only carefully manage the situation outside your own environment, like at this Thanksgiving event.

I want to say this again � do not force your family members to side with you. People are smart and will be able to see the truth. Troublemakers and liars rarely have their family members fooled. It's not fair for you to demand the other family members abide by your convictions. Therefore, your options are not to attend or to hold a gathering at your home without inviting the offending family member.

To boil it down, here is my advice � if you choose to allow the family member to come to your home, make sure it is with the understanding that there must be no fighting. No angry outbursts will be allowed. If that occurs, he will be asked to leave. Remember not to allow your immediate family to be alone with him. Attend the other family events, but inform the hostess that if the offender creates a scene, you will immediately leave the party.